86 • pearls around the neck
with batteries. You can take your dildo with you everywhere. You keep it in your handbag, and voilà! You
can use it wherever and whenever you want!” all the while holding the huge plastic wiener in her hand.
Well, I had always suspected there was something behind Penny’s cheeky smile. There was obviously no
thinking of Susanna and the elders from the book of Daniel right this minute… the lovely, chaste Susanna!
Gwenn continued her presentation: a collection resolutely dedicated to sea creatures and mythical
creatures, an entire bestiary in blue, green and pink silicone.
After the Unicorn, that everyone could now picture at the back of their minds crawling in search of a
swollen and throbbing clit – whereas in truth this splendid and elegant creature of medieval times was a
symbol of purity and the antidote against our lowly world’s poisons – it was the Griffin’s turn to stroke
our erogenous zones, with its wings. Poor Griffin, originally a symbol of monogamy!! Did any of you,
sinful ladies, know that in ancient Christian times the Griffin was associated with Jesus? Did you know?
And look at that pitiful Phoenix, presently acting as the replacement for a prick, a slave rubbing its little
crimson head against a bush of pubic hair. Oh celestial incandescent god, here you are, reborn from your
ashes after 500 years, stuck in the mire of female genitals… merely serving the burning desire of a lewd and
licentious twat! Dear me, couldn’t Gwenn have at least drawn her inspiration from a Yeti, a Sasquatch or a
I felt I ought to convince Gwenn to call me for the next season. I would draw up an entire Homo Erectus
Robustus collection with nimble Energicus little hands doing the work; I could devise a collection of
Gigantopithecus Negrus Bonerus Optimus – the cake was, it seemed, very inspiring.
Gwenn didn’t care much for my cultural recriminations and continued her presentation. Here was a
superb 7-inch dick (17cm), in pink acrylic, its base adorned with 12 small Swarovski crystals and a plume of
fine powdery pink ostrich feathers.
The Lux Body Duster, ladies, was a marabou feather duster meant to “dust” the lover’s body, exciting the
most sensitive parts. It was highly recommended to get it along with the Tasty Tickles, an edible powder
that perfumed the body, making it more than appetizing. Yes, ladies! You could have your pick among
the three flavors: chocolate, raspberry or strawberry. And one of the must-haves, the Kama Sutra Pleasure
Balm a scientifically proven revolution, an edible balm which slightly anesthetized the base of the penis for
longer lasting pleasure.
Then came the Teeny Weenie Vitamins, or vitamin C pills. Was that all? No, they were in the shape of a…
penis! (I had guessed, and therefore found myself holding the humongous rubber toy with both hands!)
You also had the Shrink Cream, which as its name indicated shrank the vagina; the Sex Rocks, to be placed
in the mouth before giving head and then observe his mind-blowing pleasure, and the Don’t Stop Massage
Oil, which gave the promise of a cozy scene in luxurious candlelight, whose fragrance awakened the senses.
Once aroused, the tender lover was to blow the light out and pour the oil (What? Burning oil?? That was
downright masochistic!) on the excited body of his sweet mate and massage her body. A unique, intimate
experience, Gwenn assured us. The oil contained Shea butter, vitamin A and E, jojoba, olive oil and
Then Gwenn moved on to Lingerie, whose names have to be listed, for they were a tribute to poetry: Sugar
n’ Spice, Paris Frolic, French Maid, Short and Sassy, Leopard Mesh Teddy AND the essential Mr. Nose