joy, is it uncomfortable in any way something akin to
survivor’s guilt?
These are big questions, and there are not trite and easy
answers. One thing that I have observed is that those who
come through a devastating loss with faith in tact also
demonstrate the miraculous, often in the most profound ways.
I take great comfort in the real life stories of those whose heart
desire met a resounding “no” and yet they still trust God and
experience joy. In Isaiah, God states, “For my thoughts are not
your thoughts neither are your ways my ways.”24 Humbling and
for a sometimes rebel like me, not too satisfying at times.
As a mom, I desire to become more at peace with the
mystery of God’s action and sometimes seeming inaction
within our family stories. I imagine that embracing the
questions of faith and doubt and all that is God will be
happening until the day that I depart this life. For many years,
I debated the mystery of the miracle as an observer
sometimes from afar and at other times from a closer
perspective. Then one day, I had a front row seat. It was
terrifying.
****
It was 2014 during a string of October 70-degree
North Carolina blue sky days, just a few months after we
moved into a new home. The weather beckoned and called out
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