Not only did my struggles with healthy emotional
expression affect mother-child interactions, it also bled over
into other relationships. My particular adult attachment style
played out in this way: though I felt worthy of love, I did not
have confidence that those in close relationship would in fact
meet my needs. I often found myself doubting that my
husband truly loved me. It could be as petty and off base as the
thought, “he won’t be willing to clean up the kitchen even if I
ask him.” But it also colored much deeper aspects of our
relationship. I was reluctant to bring up concerns in various
facets of our marriage. “My voice doesn’t matter, and he won’t
change anyway,” was the lie I often told myself. Of course this
affected our relationship on many different levels.
Often, the jobs that we choose or the life paths we
follow are informed by an unconscious desire to heal our
attachment challenges. My choice to adopt children falls into
this category. My journey as an adoptive mom both revealed
my deficiencies as well as offered the opportunity for
tremendous healing in figuring out how to experience
emotionally secure relationships.
When I was faced with the emotional needs of children
who had experienced trauma, I reached into my parenting
toolbox and came up empty handed. Over a now twelve-year
journey, I have moved toward healthy and secure attachment
with those I am in close relationship. Each step that I took
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